Have a Very Traditional Christmas!

Hey look at this.  Two blog updates before the end of 2014.

More important, this one finally came with an update to the header.  I have wanted to do that for a while but I was too distracted (and possibly lazy) to make that happen.  I know this is just a dorky squirrel drawing, but it felt great to get back to it.

Today is Christmas Day, and before all the mayhem of Peach tearing into the pile of stuff that Santa left her, I thought that I would reflect on the holiday in the early quiet of the morning.  I just finished the annual viewing of White Christmas, such is my families tradition, and it got me thinking about the stuff that we do to celebrate holidays and milestones.

 

Some of these traditions date back years, even centuries (or more) while others are just in their infancy.  Traditions can be celebrated collectively by an entire society, or in small groups such as a family.  I would even argue that just one person can celebrate their own tradition.

For instance, I myself have a very sternly held tradition that I will not drink any eggnog (much as I do love it) until Thanksgiving.  Poor Mrs. Nutz has heard me gripe while walking through the grocery stores in September about how eggnog is not (and NEVER should be) a Halloween drink.

What's that?  You say that this is more a quirk than a tradition?

Fine.  Another example comes from my brother Nate (aka the Lumbering Bear... or Beary Nutz.)  Since we were kids, he has woken up just about every Christmas morning before opening presents (or waking up the parents) to read Mickey Mouse: Mystery at Disneyland.  It's a small book that was published in 1957, and has nothing to do with Christmas; yet my brother did this every year.  No one joined him (except me on a few occasions) so this really is just a tradition that he created, and is celebrated by him.

Traditions can also change or become lost.  Our family is at such a crossroad.  Since the departure of my Grandpa, there are certain events (such as the annual gathering on Christmas Eve) that are now going to change.  It is bittersweet , but also has become necessary due to the increase in the size of our family. 

 

This increase, of course, may have been the most poignant change for myself.  Watching my nieces and nephews during the holidays was fun enough, but now we have our own little munchkin running around, which has allowed us to start our own family traditions.  Most of these are conventional holiday traditions such as the tree, seeing decorated house lights, and Christmas movies and songs out the wazoo; however, one tradition we have adopted seems to be somewhat contraversial.  We have "adopted" an Elf on the Shelf.

For the few of you who may not know what this is (considering that it can now be found in every big box store nationwide) the elf is sent by Santa starting around Thanksgiving to watch the children.  Each night he or she flies back to the North Pole with their report, and then comes back the next day.

There are, of course, some guidelines associated with this elf:  you can't touch it or it will lose it's power, the elf cannot speak with you, don't get it wet or feed it after midnight or it will turn into a gremlin and devour your family...  

"How about a midnight snack?"

 When the elf returns in the morning they always turn up in a different spot, and sometimes will get into mischeif.  This is where the controversy of the whole tradition comes into play.  There are some who find the elf to be a bit creepy, in the same way that antique dolls (or what Hollywood passed as a doll in the movie The Conjuring) are creepy.  There are also some elves who have been seduced to the dark side of their existence.  A simple Google image search for "Bad Elf on the Shelf" brings up everything from an elf drinking whiskey while reading 50 Shades of Grey to another elf using Barbie dolls to recreate The Human Centipede.

 

Hey, even the sick and twisted need holiday traditions!

Peach named our elf Ariel, after her favorite mermaid, and has been delighted at the elf's antics this holiday season.  Mrs. Nutz and I have had fun with the elf tradition, which does come in handy when Peach is not minding.  A simple reminder that Ariel the Elf is watching and waiting, and Peach quickly corrects herself.

To some this tradition seems odd, but really it is just one in a string of weird traditions that cultures have adapted over the years.  To that end I present five holiday traditions that are crazier than the Elf on the Shelf.

 5.  The Christmas Pickle

 Years ago my mother bought a glass Christmas tree ornament shaped like a pickle.  She told us that traditionally,  the first child who finds the pickle on the tree Christmas morning is supposed to get an extra present.

Sound like an odd tradition?  Tell that to the Germans.  Their celebrated "Weinactsgurke" originated in a Victorian era tale where Saint Nicholas saved two Spanish children who were held captive in a pickle barrel by an evil inn-keeper.  This act of kindness is remembered each year by dangling a gherkin from the tree.

I guess that makes sense... or it would if it was the truth!

That's right, the German tradition of hanging a pickle in the tree is, well, unknown to most Germans.  Really it is an American tradition created by the marketing people at Woolworth's department stores.  In 1892 there were a whole bunch of pickle shaped glass ornaments imported to the USA from France, and someone had to figure out how to sell off this supply.  The solution?  Tell your customers that it is a tradition from the same land that brought us Christmas trees.

"Trust me, this is the same car Moses drove out of Egypt in."

It wouldn't be the first time that a tradition was fabricated simply to sell holiday themed merchandise (for instance... the Elf on the Shelf) but the sentiment behind it is really what matters.  People love the Christmas Pickle, especially in Berrien Springs, MI which is the "Christmas Pickle capital of the world."

4.  The Christmas Spider

There is a Ukrainian legend of a poor widow who was fortunate to have a pinecone fall off a tree, apparently through a hole in her roof, then a hole in her floor, where it took seed and grew into a tree.  The widows children were excited because now they would have a tree to decorate for Christmas.  All summer they planned on what they would decorate it with, but alas the widow was so poor that she could not afford any ornaments for the tree.  The family, sadly, went to bed Christmas Eve knowing that they would not wake up to a decorated tree in the morning.

Unbeknownst to the widow or her children, there was a spider living in corner of their ceiling that spent the whole year watching them.  The spider was saddened that the family could not decorate the tree, and decided that it would surprise them with its silk webbing.

The children woke up the morning, and were amazed and excited by the beautiful sight of this tree covered in gold and silver threads of web.

This sweet story seemed to arrive in Ukraine in the 19th century along with the tradition of the Christmas Tree.  The story explains the origin of our own tradition of putting tinsel on the tree, and Ukrainians even go as far as putting ornaments shaped like cobwebs and spiders on their tree.

I should mention at this point that I am among the 6.1% of the population that has arachnophobia.  Where some hear this story and the "cute" message it shares, I see a web infested tree that looks like Elijah Wood in the second Lord of the Rings movie.  Just the thought of a spider spreading that kind of web around a tree is enough to give me the heebie-jeebies!

FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA LA

 

Spiders are revered in the Ukraine, where they are thought of to be guardians against evil spirits.  I say that spiders are the very sign of evil spirits!

3.  The Yule Cat

If the thought of a creepy arachnid wrapping up your tree like a fly doesn't make your heart race, how about the thought of a demon cat.

In Iceland, a land of trolls and ogres, there is the legend of the Yule cat.  This mysterious and mythological cat is said to feast on anyone who does not get any new clothing by Christmas Eve.  Yes, you read that correctly.  If you do not get any new clothing to wear by Christmas Eve, you will be devoured by a demon cat.  Merry Christmas!

The tale most likely originated as "encouragement" for farm hands to do their job, because nothing makes you shear sheep faster than being responsible for people's lives. 

This tradition has lasted to the present day, where people take great effort to show off their new Christmas outfit lest they meet the Yule Cat.  If you're too poor to buy new clothing?  I guess it's been nice knowing you, unless your rich uncle decides to buy you that ugly sweater you've had your eye on.

The Yule Cat has softened in recent years.  Sometimes it does not eat the poor, just all of their food so they can starve to death instead.

2.  Quema del Diablo

After creepy spiders and demon cats, this holiday is due for a cleansing.  Fortunately the people of Guatemala have just the tradition.  

Since colonial times, the Virgin Mary has been honored on December 8.  To prepare  for this celebration, families will sweep all of the dirt out of their home and pile it in the middle of the street.  They will then place an effigy of the devil on top of the pile, which they then set on fire.

Seems like a straight forward celebration actually.  Imagine after you put away all of your Halloween decorations, and wake up from your cozy autumn turkey induced nap, you then pull out your devil horns and dance around a fire in the street.

"Is there a problem?"

That brings us to...

1.  El Caganer

Imagine you find yourself in Catalonia Spain at Christmas time.  You admire the beautiful countryside, and the many traditional nativity displays.  In this region, the Nativity is not just a manger scene, but a complete model of Bethlehem City.  You can see the angels greeting the shepherds in the field, the wise men following the star, the marketplace, and -- wait!  What's that figure back in the corner?

Why, it's a little peasant in a red hat squatting down and pooping.

[Record scratch sound effect here]

That's right, since the 18th century, Catalonians have placed a small figure named El Caganer (literally "the crapper") in their nativity.  There is no mistaking what these figures are doing, as the small sculpture is squatting with his buttocks exposed, and a small pile of sculpted feces rests on the ground beneath him.

Why on Earth would they think to include this figure in a religious symbol as sacred as the nativity?  One theory is that the Caganer represents the fertilizing of the Earth.  Another thought is that this figure reminds us that despite economical and social differences, at the core we are all the same (everyone poops.)

Another theory was to remind us of the second coming, and that we never know when or where its going to happen.  (Ready or not, here's God.)

The saddest part is that this is not the only scatological tradition to the Catalonians.  They also have a custom called Tio de Nadal (the pooping log) which sits in their fireplace leading up to the holiday.  This is a literal log with a face painted on it, and for the several weeks leading up to Christmas the children will "feed" the log.  On Christmas Eve the log then defecates candy for all of the good little girls and boys.

How's that whole Elf on the Shelf thing sounding now?

Oh... right...

 

There is something unsettling knowing that the Spaniards came up with Mr. Hanky centuries before the creators of South Park!  Since the 1940's Caganer figures have been made representing celebrities, cartoon characters and political figures.

Well I think that about wraps up this post.  I hope that this entry provides you with a little holiday humor.  In all seriousness, we at the Nutz house truly wish you and yours the merriest Christmas, and a happy and optimistic 2015.